


Pain Again

by Monsters_and_Matsu



Series: HLVRAI but Emotionally Damaged [4]
Category: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst, Coping, M/M, Mental Anguish, Post-Canon, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26397010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsters_and_Matsu/pseuds/Monsters_and_Matsu
Summary: This isn't proof read and doesn't particularly have a story.Freeman and Benry struggle to resume their friendship after hurting each other so badly.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: HLVRAI but Emotionally Damaged [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869784
Kudos: 47





	Pain Again

For some reason Freeman couldn’t sleep and he wasn’t sure why, today had gone great. He was able to talk to Benry without feeling immense panic. They had joked around and he didn’t feel threatened and it was overall a fun experience getting to enjoy the person he was without being traumatized by his presence. They had finally talked after months of not seeing each other.

But something wasn’t sitting right with him and Freeman didn’t know why his thoughts were hurting him again. Benry had been as understanding of his feelings as he could be and made several attempts to show that he was listening when Gordon voiced when he was uncomfortable. And Freeman had done the same, he waited for Benry to finish his thoughts and try to explain why he did what he did even if Freeman started to feel the discomfort of the topic start to bubble up in him.

He knew that honesty was taking a lot of pressure off the two of them and he knew that Benry wasn’t lying to him when he said he really really wanted Freeman to have fun with him and be okay.

So what was happening? Was it intrusive thoughts making up things that haven't happened yet? Was he afraid he was going to relapse? 

He was really tired and yet he couldn't sleep.

Stare at the ceiling, watch a video, chat online with kind strangers.

Good thing he didn’t have somewhere to be tomorrow, he stayed up until he was too tired to be awake.

* * *

Once the morning came Freeman didn’t want to look at his phone- he knew a text from Benry was going to be there in the morning. Was that part of the anxiety? He needed to think about this rationally, he knew an attack wasn’t going to be there. And he was putting off looking at it which was making him feel worse- Just face your fears Gordon like you have been, its not going to kill you, you’ve been through this for 3 months now. Every time you felt sad did it kill you? No, so it will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay. Trust the process, trust being honest, trust that people will be understanding if you let them be, trust that you are worthy of being treated kindly, people do treat you kindly.

He picked up his phone and delivered on his promise, he said he would be honest in a respectful way that he could be proud and confident in. “Hey, I don’t know why but I started feeling really not well last night. I just wanted to let you know and I might have to not text for a while to feel better.”

He didn’t want to rely on Benry’s constant approval to feel okay, he wanted to enjoy this friendship without this huge huge pressure hovering over him. He had shown himself that things were improving- He didn’t feel horribly triggered and threatened last he talked to Benry when he started mentioning things that used to incise a deep pain in him. And that gave Freeman a bit of confidence that he was doing something right to get better. When Benry finally let him have his space and reflected on himself, that extreme pain associated with him started to go away.

But here he was again with a pain bubbling up again and he wasn’t sure why, and that created a lot of fear at first. He was afraid he was relapsing, he was afraid he would make a mistake.

But he reminded himself to take the steps that have been working:

One, Remind yourself over and over again of what's really happening and what’s a thought. If you start making assumptions on how that other person feels- stop. Remind yourself that they might be feeling anything and not necessarily the bad thing.

Two, Be honest with them that something is going on so they know. They are not a mind reader, you have the right to say “I’m uncomfortable right now.” without further explanation.

Three, do not rush. Stop. Accept that mental pain will pass with time as long as you’re honest with yourself and don’t blame anyone including yourself. This pain was no one's fault, you were not attacked this time so it is not their fault. You have a right to all your feelings and all your feelings; they are valid and with a cause, you are not at fault. This type of pain is extremely important to recognize as different from being attacked. Work on that. Remind yourself as many times as it takes.

Four, do not rush. I know you want to blurt something out to justify the way you feel. Especially when it feels like people aren’t understanding you. Do not rush to explain yourself, you might say something you regret if you don’t let yourself really analysis what's bothering you. Please think it over for a long time. Please I am begging you just let yourself think about it, if you aren’t 100% sure please please don’t be confident in the wrong things.

Five, have patience. You expressed yourself, you know you aren’t letting the pain fester. Now you can be sure that you aren’t doing wrong by yourself. So just try to endure this pain. You know it's not being caused by letting things get worse. _You can be confident in this._

Six, after a long search you found a therapist that actually provided you with the coping skills and reassurance you needed. They are a professional. You know this. They have not stirred you wrong like the others. They didn’t blindly agree with your bad habits. You can trust them. They are professionals. They will help you.

Seven, if you can’t trust yourself, find someone you can trust to sort you out. For me that was facts, research and professionals. Find something to put trust in again. Once you see the process is working every day gets easier.

Eight, stop texting them, stop reaching out to them to cope. They are not your therapist. What the fuck, you’re falling into the same crutch of texting them everything in your mind to cope. Stop stop stop!!! They JUST reached out to you yesterday and they aren’t even sure if they still want to be friends. Stop this right now. Throw your phone away. Give them time to think. Reach out to a different friend, reach out to the strangers on discord. Text your therapist, for the love of god stop over explaining. The less you say, the less can go wrong. Just let them know you might be quiet and thats it. Do not push it.

Nine, self control self control self control self control self control self control. Never stop fighting. It's okay you made a mistake but just listen to yourself now. Start doing the right thing as soon as possible. Please self control. I know you want to fix it as soon as possible. Please stop rushing. Please give things time. Please be patient. Please do something else. Please please please learn. Please learn. Please listen.

Ten, There are only 3 steps. Be honest and respectful. Say only what you need to so that you make yourself clear. Keep fighting yourself to stay on track.

* * *

Benry replied back, “Yeah, mute me if you need to and you can come back when you’re ready.”

Supportive, see Freeman? He isn't attacking you. Nothing is going wrong.

He kept thinking about how Benry wanted him to be happy. How badly he wanted to curl up into his arms and have him know that his mental health was finally on the right track. 

But he was scared to give himself that comfort. He didn’t have the trust of Benry or himself yet.

God, all he wanted was to be told he was okay. He felt so not okay. I brought him psychical when he was exposed to these uncomfortable situations.

He craved his love so badly, even though he tried again and again to get over him he still wanted the friend comfort. He didn’t want to lose this as much as it hurt.

When he looked past all the pain, Benry was such a funny creative person that he wanted to enjoy. He made mistakes, it was just a matter of being willing to forgive or not.

“I want to be myself again.” Freeman spoke to himself.

He didn’t like this part of him that was so crippled by pain that he was afraid of everything, that he was angry at everything.

It gave him peace that he was changing for the better.

It was slow going but he knew he was making progress. _He knew._

He could recognize the thoughts, the patterns, he was able to look back on his moment of panic when it was over and say “I’m so glad I waited because I would have regret saying all that.”

He actually felt some peace. He looked at the phone again to see Benry sending jokes. He got reassurance that everything was okay through action.

Just relax. Life will go on whether this friendship fails or not.

You can do it, you know you’ll be okay without him. It's easy to cut things out. It’s a challenge to manage and grow the things you care about. Like taking care of a plant or a pet, you need to be patient with it and just do what you believe is right.

Weird- This was the third time today he had caught the hiccups. He didn't know anxiety hiccups were a thing.

* * *

Benry had to take a nap to stop the bad thoughts.

He needed to not overwhelm him, not fall into the trap of relying on Freeman for so much of his joy. He knew he couldn’t do this again... It was so hard.

He wanted to talk to him all the time like they used to, but he couldn’t rock the boat. He knew the sensitive state Freeman was in, if he came on too strong or demanded too much attention then everything would go back to how it was.

He couldn’t let the cycle go on. He couldn’t get comfortable again to where he forgot all the new skills he learned and things ended up in a fight again. That would really end everything. And he knew it might be easier to let people go but he would still be living with that pain of a lost friend. Someone he’d been on the job with for 8 years. That was a long standing friendship, someone he was used to gaining happiness from almost every. single. Day. For 8 years.

He thought things would get easy once they started speaking again. Maybe it was a good thing that it wasn’t- He wasn’t relieved that he would be constantly forgiven. He was on edge, he was thinking really really hard about listening and being a better friend.

But even then when he made himself stop talking to him his mind started fucking with him. Bad bad bad, why did he feel so bad.

He let himself take a nap, he suddenly felt so tired. Was it the pressure? Maybe. Whatever this bad feeling was he knew that he needed to treat his friend kindly and deal with it.

It wasn’t really the best, he slept so he didn’t have to deal with the anxiety. And once he woke up and started to think the worse.

“I’m a bad person, why did I put my best friend through this? Why did I put them through so much pain? Why did I do this to him?? Why why!” 

He cried, the thoughts became too overwhelming and he let himself feel. Tears falling all the way down to his chin and onto his clothes. He cried because of a guilt and his own behavior and... just the past in general. He felt a little better after his nap and once he finished crying though. He felt okay. He was able to get up and continue his day without the thoughts occupying his every thought.

He was okay... Things would get better with time. The negative always passed once you made change. This would pass. Things would get better with time if he let it.


End file.
